Dear Kadaga Alitwala,
It is indeed a surprise to find myself writing to you my prodigal child. I had long given up on you because of as one of my daughters, you have lived a life so far out of range of my expectations and prescriptions for a woman that you seemed like a hopeless cause. But now, of your own accord, you have returned to me. Well, thank you. Your passing of the anti-homosexuality bill in defence of me - Our African Culture, was a most thoughtful gift for a parent long forsaken. Granted, it was kind of inappropriate. It would have been more fitting if offered to my bleached version of the mid 1900s. The version of me that mindlessly sucked up to Christianity and Colonialism, my most severe rapists. I have since started to heal from that confusion. But hey, its the thought that matters. And you are trying to find your way back home. I tentatively accept the gift.
However, even as I happily welcome a long lost child back home, I am still a good proper African parent. I won’t spare the rod by failing to remind you of the debts your owe me. Hence this very brief memo. Following:
1. You still owe me offspring. You know me, your very own ‘Our African Culture.’ A woman is no woman until she bares children. Indeed a person is no person unless they are willing to breed. Indeed, this is one of very many things we both fault homosexuals for - the unwillingness or inability to breed. Therefore, I am sure you understand when I insist on this one. Woman, meet your African cultural obligations and give birth! That’s an order not a suggestion. In this area code where you live, women are meeting this African cultural calling more than sufficiently. They are giving birth to six children on average. A good African woman does not stand around with hands akimbo while other women work. Madam, stop whatever you are doing, go to the labour ward and push something out of you. You know that's my cardinal expectation of a good African woman!
2. Related to the above, get a husband. I don’t understand you woman of these days. Going around without husbands as if you are not African. Get a man or you’ll remain worthless to me. Preferably, get a real man who can show you some love by routinely beating you. Have you forgotten my place for you in the hierarchy of this world? Fall in line quickly before I ask the clan to rain down on you with a thorough beating. Mssscchwwttt…. No offspring, no husband --- and you still think you are protecting the traditional African family. Well, now that you are back home, I, 'Our African Culture' will teach you better.
3. You show absolutely no fear of men. That will not do! You speak while they speak. You get involved in political affairs as if you are a man. The other day, you shut up the prime minister - a whole man! Is that the true African woman I raised you to be? You keep on talking smart in that manner and you may as well be lost to me again. A good African woman is seen not heard. Stop talking smart and also use the silence to reflect on what a bad African woman you have been.
Now go work on the above and we will review in a year. If you behave, we can start talking about dropping that non-African Rebecca name of yours and getting you to pass a law that changes the official language of this African country from English to say, Lusoga. Eh, my dear, 'Our African Culture' is a high maintenance lady. The defence of me will be a protracted and deeply invasive operation. Get to work.
Keeping my faith in you,Our African Culture.